A mum’s story about single sex spaces in school

This guest post is by @SistaRealista on twitter (it was originally a twitter thread and is reposted here with her permission).

This is a story from personal experience about the need for single-sex exemptions under law for certain spaces, and why Self-ID trans ideology can be problematic.

It’s about ‘Colin’, a 16 year old boy, my 15 year old daughter J, and the girls’ changing room at their school.

Colin joined J’s school last year to redo year 10 (ages 14-15). He left his last school for mental health reasons & had time out. Being 16 he was year older than rest of class. He made friends but would get upset & say no one liked him (untrue) He still struggled with his mental health. One day Colin (16) wore a skirt to school. He told J & classmates he wasn’t trans, he wore it simply because he wanted to. J told him she was proud of him. He got a few looks that first day but everyone let him be. Him wearing a skirt became a regular occurrence. All good.

A few weeks later, Colin told school & classmates that on the days he wore a skirt, he would be ‘Chloe’ and everyone was to call them that and use she/her. But on days when he wore trousers, everyone should call him Colin and he/him. All at school agreed.

Then Colin came out as both trans AND non-binary (on Instagram first, obviously, with his pronouns, which were… all of them). He said he had appointment with a clinic, wanted hormones & would have gender reassignment surgery when 18. He said even when transitioned he’d still be Colin some days.

J (15) is a lesbian and very accepting of trans people. But even she was confused as to how Colin could be both trans AND non-binary. She told me it didn’t make logical and that “I think it’s all gone too far now”. I impressed myself with great restraint by simply saying “hmm”.

So far since saying he was trans, Colin/Chloe been allowed to change for PE in the staff toilets as C wasn’t comfortable doing so in boys’. A good compromise. He started doing PE with the girls. Then he told J and some other girls that he wanted to start changing with them.

Girls told Colin they’d be uncomfortable having him in their changing room. He was attracted to girls & had recently asked a few out (all said no). Colin: but you have bisexual & lesbian girls in the changing room. Girls: That’s completely different. Colin: no it’s not.

During this time, Colin said something ‘jokingly’ to J about them liking each other. J (15) is a lesbian & autistic. J: but I only like girls. Colin: but I am a girl. J told me she thought “but you’re not”. She didn’t want to hurt C’s feelings so said she liked someone else.

J told me “the thing is, Colin/Chloe is quite masculine looking” & she had “no interest in being with anyone who has a penis”. But she felt bad. Bless her little woke heart, she was conflicted ‘cos she thought of herself as a trans ally but wasn’t buying what C was saying.

Days after Colin first asked girls if they’d mind him changing with them, he pressed the issue.

He waved the Equality Act in their faces (literally), saying the law said he could use girls changing room as was trans girl, so school was letting him & girls had to accept it.

The girls tried reasoning with Colin. They told him he already had his own space to change for PE, away from boys. He said he “felt left out” changing by himself. J said the Equality Act must make some allowances for situations like theirs. C said it didn’t. (Incorrectly.)

J said to Colin/Chloe: but as you’re still attracted to girls, what happens if you get aroused when you see us undressed and get an erection? Colin: don’t worry, I’m very good at hiding it. Which, as I later told the headteacher, was really reassuring to hear

The girls came home from school v anxious & distressed. My daughter J & few other girls have ASD and/or anxiety. Colin was a year older than them all. He said he knew the law and his dad’s a lawyer so the girls believed him. They wanted to support C and felt bad saying no.

This is where I & few other mothers stepped in.

We reassured our daughters that no, The Equality Act didn’t give Colin legal right to use the girls changing room after 2 weeks of being trans. We spoke to school who held special meeting to tell girls no way was it happening.

School spoke firmly to Colin and his parents and he addressed it with therapist. To his credit he sent J a sincere apology. He said he’d got carried away, had thought his problems would disappear if he became Chloe, & very wrongly hadn’t taken girls’ feelings into account.

Two weeks later, Colin was back to being Colin full-time. Still wore the odd skirt but had decided he was not trans but non gender conforming. I’m cross he bullied the girls but he was picked up on that and stopped. He was confused & unhappy kid trying to find himself. Most teens are at times.

I’m telling this to show, contrary to what many say, the single-sex exemptions are necessary to protect the privacy of girls let alone women. The ‘click & collect trans kit’ as advertised on social media can be harmful for young vulnerable minds seeking easy answer to the question “who am I”. One of the important things here I think is that NO ONE had a problem with Colin being trans. He was supported by school, friends and home & accommodated – until he wanted to prioritise his need to ‘be in the room’ over others’ legal rights & comfort.